Loss
by KBeternallove
Summary: Kirk finds a letter written before Spock died.


Loss

He could not believe that his Second Officer was dead. The funeral was in a few hours; Spock's body would be shot into outer space. Admiral Kirk was hoping Spock's room would bring him closure; instead, he found a letter from Spock lying on his bed. The letter was addressed to Jim.

Jim's hands were shaking and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. The letter said:

Dear Admiral James T. Kirk,

If you are reading this, I perished in the battle against Khan. I had a hunch something was going to happen. We have escaped death and beaten the odds too many times before; statistically, the odds were not in our favor this time. I have to tell you some things that you must know, Admiral.

Jim, you are the best captain Starfleet could ever ask for. You are brave, smart, and can always find a way out of any seemingly escapable situation. You risked your life and your career because you knew it was the right thing to do. You would complain about the sacrifices that you had to make. Even when you recklessly got us in danger or disobeyed direct orders, things always came out right.

You are a heedless, illogical, emotional human, but that is what made you an amazing captain and friend. You always knew what to say, Jim. You would sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of one person.

Most importantly, I wish I had the chance to not only express my feeling of friendship towards you, but I need you to know that I loved you. It was very human of me. I fell in love with you during the first year of our five year mission. I knew I loved you on precisely Stardate 1740.2; when infected by a disease, I said I was ashamed of our friendship, I meant I was ashamed of the love I felt for you.

My emotions grew stronger. In fear of my emotions, I traveled to Vulcan for Kolinahr. I could not complete Kolinahr because no matter what I did to purge my emotions, I could not stop loving you. V'ger deepened my love by showing me how miserable my life would be without love.

I loved you so much that I hid it from you. I was afraid you would reject me and I knew that I would not be able to handle it. I knew you could never feel the same way. I often thought of what we could have been. I should have told you, but now you will never know how I felt while I am alive. I will never get to know what you would have said.

I have some things I wish you would do for me. Please tell Sarek that I should not been so stubborn and I am regretful that he has to part with another son. Also, please tell Lady Amanda that I am remorseful that I denied my human heritage all these years. Please do not mourn my death. Please do not think of me differently.

I wish this would not have waited until my death to become known. I was a coward. In Vulcan, the word "t'hy'la" means "friend, brother, and lover." I have always been yours.

Your t'hy'la

Spock

Kirk could not believe what he was reading. Spock had feelings for him. He had had feelings for Spock for a very long time. It all started when he assumed control of the Enterprise. He tried to hide it and deny it, but he could never stop loving Spock.

The tears began to fall in earnest; the paper in his hands was accumulating tears. How could they both have been so ignorant of the other person's feelings? They loved each other. Now it was too late.

There were so many signs, but they both ignored them. The looks, all that time spent together after shift, and how they would both risk their lives for the other person without a moment's hesitation. If one of them had said or done something, things might have ended differently.

Time flew by. Jim somehow gave Spock's eulogy. Jim never heard the bagpipes or saw the casket being shot into space. All Kirk could focus on was the letter and his pain.

The next thing Kirk truly focused on was Sarek's face. Hazy words were making accusations. Sarek started talking about getting Spock's body and trying to save his soul. It wasn't too late.

Jim could save Spock's soul? Then there was no choice. Jim would go to the far reaches of the galaxy and face any enemy. Nothing could stop him. Jim would save his soul at all costs. He would do this last thing for the love of his life.


End file.
